Reader, I googled it…

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And then he starts eyeing me up, you know, like flirting from a distance.  I think, have I pulled and then he sidles up and gives me the broadest smile you’ve ever seen.  He is a dishy looking wan, and I smile back.  He says to me: you’re a lovely girl so you are.  Would you like to come back to me for a cuppa green tea?  And I says, I says ta, mate but I only drink PG tips – none of your green muck so as long as you can give me milk and two I am game.

He gives me wan of those long looks again and I think he is going to walk away but then he drops the bombshell: would you like to have tantric sex with me? Well, that is a first.  After a ten-minute coughing session I take a deep breath and ask so what is tantric when it is at home?

I have had many invitations, like do you want to come and see my record collection, or my collection of antique Japanese prints – all code for would you like well, you know.  Never have I had such a direct proposal.  It was nearly refreshing.

And he explains that tantric sex doesn’t necessarily involve bodily contact.  It apparently starts with the two of you sitting opposite each other and being sexually involved in your heid only.  I should be good at that – I have done a lot of mind fucking.

I think that, well, the last boyfriend couldn’t keep it up for more than three seconds, after which he'd roll over, fall asleep and snore the whole night long.  He'd wake up and ask was that good for you too, hen? Expected a full Scottish in the morning but I kicked him out without as much as a cuppa.  Maybe this tantric malarkey is an idea after all. 

We start by sitting on the bed, opposite each other, claes on.  He looks in my eyes in what I suppose is a meaningful way.  I can’t help but giggle.  We sit, and we sit and I feel my eyes close.  Not that exciting then.  At long last I stop struggling, roll over and fall asleep.  At least I lasted more than three seconds.

The next morning he wakes me up with tea and a smile.  Did you enjoy that he says and I says well I had a good night’s sleep, if that is what you want to know.  He is nice and polite but I see that the tantric bit hasn’t worked out that well.

So if you want to know what tantric sex is – well you will have to google it because despite the experience, I dinnae ken.

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