Win it to be In it

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I wrote this script a few years ago. Apparently, now it might be happening in the States. 

https://www.cbsnews.com/losangeles/news/trumps-dhs-considers-reality-show-immigrants-compete-citizenship/

Shameful


Gameshow host Boris (GSH)

Sjouke (SJO) woman with Dutch/ German accent

 

FX                            applause, cheering

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

GSH                         Thank you, thank you.  Welcome to the 50th edition of: Win It To Be In It!  I am Boris March and I am your host tonight.

FX                            applause, cheering

GSH                         And again it promises to be a very exciting contest tonight.  With me are ten people who all hope to have that once in a lifetime chance of getting a permanent residency permit in our United Kingdom.  Nobody is excluded here; everybody has a chance.  We have people from all over the European Union: from Luxembourg to Lithuania and from Sweden to Spain.  All of our contestants will get a free, introductory consult with our sponsors: Stay-UK Immigration Services; and ten percent discount if they wish to use their services.  So you are all winners before you even start! But without further ado: let’s start with round one.

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

GSH                         And the first round is a British Knowledge Round.  I will ask a series of questions about our way of life and the contestants will choose from one of the multiple answers.  After five questions we will see what the score is.  And for you at home: press the red button if you want to play along.  Round one!

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

GSH                         Question one: Who was King or Queen in Britain when Wales became formally united with England by the Act for the Government of Wales?  Choose from the following answers now: Henry VII; Elizabeth I; Henry VIII; George III or James I.  Press your buttons now.

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

FX                            short pause, beeps of buttons pressed

GSH                         OK ladies and gentlemen.  Let’s have a look at the answers and see how many of you passed this round.

                                Who was King or Queen in Britain when Wales became formally united with England by the Act for the Government of Wales?  The correct answer was:

FX                            drum roll

GSH                         James I!  Well done if that was your answer.  Now, sadly, not all of our contestants managed to find that crucial answer. 

FX                            applause, cheering

GSH                         So let’s move on to: question 2: When did the UK join the European Economic   Community (EEC)?  Please choose from the following answers:  1957, 1963, 1973, 1977 or 1990.  Press your buttons now.

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

FX                            short pause, beeps of buttons pressed

GSH                         And the answer is:

FX                            drum roll

GSH                         1973.  Did you have that at home, viewer? Two of our remaining eight contestants had it wrong, I’m afraid. Yes, we joined in 1973 and we left in 2019.

FX                            applause, cheering

GSH                         Moving swiftly on to question 3: What is the name of the tour guides that tell visitors stories about the Tower of London’s history?  The knights, the chartists, the suffragettes or the beefeaters? Please choose now.

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

FX                            short pause, beeps of buttons pressed

GSH                         And the correct answer is:

FX                            drum roll

GSH                         The Beefeaters?  Isn’t that quaint?  We have seven hopefuls remaining.

FX                            applause, cheering

GSH                         Question 4: Which of the following sports began in the UK?  Answers: Football, Cricket, Rugby, none of these or all of these.  Press your buttons now, please.

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

FX                            short pause, beeps of buttons pressed

GSH                         And the answer is, of course:

FX                            drum roll

GSH                       All of these!  Yes, ladies and gentleman, all of these wonderful sports originated in this wonderful country!  Not all of you knew, didn’t you?  Not all of our contestants knew either! 

FX                            applause, cheering

GSH                       We have only five contestants left!  Now, the next and last   question is a really difficult one.  Question 5: Which famous architect designed Dumfries House?  You can choose from: Sir Christopher Wren, Robert Adam, Sir Norman Foster, Dame Zaha Hadid or Robert Louis Stevenson.

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

FX                            short pause, beeps of buttons pressed

GSH                       And the correct answer to question 5:

FX                          drum roll

GSH                       Sir Christopher Wren!  Give yourselves and our contestants a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen!

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

FX                          applause, cheering,

GSH                       But the sad news is that of our ten contestants, we have only one left.  This very lucky contestant will have a chance to stay in the United Kingdom with a permanent residency permit. Of course you will still have to answer a question: you win it to be in it!

FX                          applause, cheering

GSH                       Whatever happens, whether you win or lose, you will get a twenty percent discount should you want to use the services of our sponsors: Stay – UK Immigration Services. Immigration services with a heart.  So well done for coming so far.  Let us meet our finalist.  Hello, you are Sjoukje.  Can you tell me a little bit about yourself and why you want to live in the UK?

SJO                        Hello Boris.  I am Sjoukje.  I come from the northern part of Germany, near the Dutch – Friesian border.  I am 32 years old and a nursery teacher for children with severe disabilities.

GSH                       So why would you like to settle in the UK?

 

SJO                        My child, little Folkert, was born here.  Three years ago, I came here to work temporarily as a nursery assistant with severely disabled children.  I didn’t know I was pregnant until I went into labour and my son was born here. Now he is three years old and I can’t bear the thought of him losing his home and his little friends because his mummy is not allowed to stay here anymore.  Unfortunately, under current regulations I earn too little to stay in the UK.  Nursery teachers are not getting paid terrib

GSH                       (interrupts)   

Thank you for that, Sjoukje.  And a round of applause please for our finalist!

FX                          Applause, cheering

GSH                       Ok, in the next round you can choose your topic from: English football, English food and drink, TS Eliot, and English Native Species.  Sjoukje, what is your choice?

SJO                        Food and drink please, Boris

GSH                       As you know, in the second round we ask the finalist to answer four ‘true or false’ questions on their chosen topic.  The finalist has to give four correct answers to be able to stay in the UK with a permanent residency permit.  Sjoukje here desperately wants to stay because of her little boy.  Sjoukje, here we go and all the best!

FX                          Applause, cheering

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

GSH                       Silence now, please, ladies and gentlemen.  Let’s give Sjoukje our support.  Sjoukje, you have chosen: English Food and Drink.  Here comes your first question:

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

GSH                       Worcester Sauce was an English invention by Lea and Perrins in 1837.  True or False?

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

SJO                        True, Boris.

GSH                       And that’s the correct answer!  Well done!

FX                          Applause, cheering

GSH                       The second question is about Crisps.  William Kitchener invented the crisp in England in 1817.  True or False?

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

SJO                        That is true, Boris.

GSH                       And another correct answer!  Well done!

FX                          Applause, cheering

GSH                       The third question is a difficult one.  Marmite – love it or loathe it: is an English invention.  True or False?

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

SJO                        That is false, Boris.

GSH                       Well done!  Yes, Marmite – as English as the cliffs of Dover, was invented by a German called Justus von Liebig.

FX                          Applause, cheering

GSH                       OK, and now the last question.  If you give the correct answer to this question you will walk out of here with a permit that allows you to stay in the UK indefinitely.  You will be allowed to continue to work and to live here.  Are you ready for that all-important question?

SJO                        I am, Boris.

GSH                       OK, the question is this:  Marmalade was invented in 1700 by James Keiller in England.  True or false?

GRAMS                    theme tune (chariots of fire)

FX                          silence

SJO                        True, Boris

FX                          gasps in the audience;

GSH                       Oh, I am so, so sorry, Sjoukje.  It is false.  Marmalade was invented by a Scot in Dundee.  He bought a ship load of Seville oranges that were about to go off and turned them into marmalade. Trust a Scot to make a penny, what?   However, what a shame.  You didn’t answer that all-important question correctly and you will not get a permit to stay in the UK. Did you have a nice time anyway?  A big round of applause for our contestant Sjoukje!

FX                          Applause, cheering

GRAMS                  theme tune (chariots of fire)

GSH                       So we say goodbye to Sjoukje.  She still has a chance to stay here if she consults - with a massive 20% discount - our sponsors: Stay – UK Immigration Services: immigration services with a heart.  And we are back tomorrow with new contestants and new questions.  You can play along by pressing the red button.  If you would like to appear in the show, please give us a bell.  And to all of you: good night and sleep well!

FX                          Applause, cheering

GRAMS                  theme tune (chariots of fire)

 

 

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